The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
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