saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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