this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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