so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
