I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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