I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
