our cab driver is having phone sex.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
