if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
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