im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
We had to coat check the pizza.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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