Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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