Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize