Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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