I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
I need a burrito and a hug.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
