Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
