hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
