Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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