i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
You ate ashes out of my bong
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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