420 ftw
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
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