im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
