Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
