Only a mothe r could love this liver
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
