Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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