When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
did i walk over a car last night?
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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