I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
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