I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
