Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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