last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Randomize