i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Randomize
