Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
