Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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