I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
As shirtless as possible
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
