why didn't you poke me back
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
