so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
