My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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