did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
We're too hungover to prance.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
