Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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