I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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