I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
