i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize