3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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