Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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