hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
You left your phone here
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