i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Boobs speak an international language.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
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