Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
