You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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