Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
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