the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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