i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
