Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
