You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
