i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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