Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Randomize
