Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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