i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Houston, we have a blender
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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