I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
