Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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