i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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